I apologize before hand for how annoying, girly, and ridiculous this post is. I just need to vent.
It's hard being so close to something you know you can never have. I want you to picture for me your favorite candy bar. It is within reach. You can hold it, smell it, and see it; yet you are told that you can never taste it. It will never be yours. It just sits in front of you, haunting your every thought. Yea well now you know how I feel with the men in my life. I am very proud of the fact that I have some super amazing men in my life, but it hurts. A lot. It is so hard to be so close to someone knowing that they will never be yours. You know there every move. You can communicate with them without any words. You know them better than anyone has ever known them. They trust you and vice versa. Yet you watch them walk away day after day knowing that they will one day meet their other half, get married, make gorgeous babies, and will forever be gone from your grasp. I have to face this with all of my guy friends. I have watched it time after time. I want them all to be happy, but after a while they move on with their new ladies while taking a part of my heart with them. One of these days, when God puts my perfect man in front of me, I will have nothing to offer, but a broken puzzle piece that I'm supposed to call a heart.
It's hard holding their hand, getting cozy while watching movies, or just getting those texts to greet you with a good morning. A girl can only give so much. And quite frankly I have nothing more to give. I ache with regret. I regret letting myself get so close. I regret putting myself out there and not being a crazy girl who needs a boyfriend 24/7. I sit here and listen to these sappy love songs and I just hope that the girls in these songs got the guy because if she didn't...she must be so broken.
Of course I also have to see a lesson out of this too. I think about how I am so close to this certain someone and yet cannot have them. Always knowing that they will probably never be mine. This is how God feels with some of us sometimes. He is so close to us and almost has us. With some of us, He can talk to us, see us, try and speak to us, but in the end we are choosing to not be His. We are choosing not to commit to Him for some reason. Any guy that I ever liked told me things like, they didn't date bigger girls, we were too good of friends, it just wasn't the right time. All this to get out of dating me. So what is our excuse? Why are we putting God in the friend zone, if you will? For me, I have to be honest. I have extreme trust issues. I am so afraid that He is going to abandon me like some of the other people from my past. My prayer tonight is that I will realize that He isn't going to leave me and I can have Him; all of Him. It is because of this realization that I don't have a relationship because He is the one man who should have a say in my life. To the men reading this; stay classy. I'm sure you are amazing and I pray that you stay that way always.
Thanks for letting me vent!
-J
