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I apologize before hand for how annoying, girly, and ridiculous this post is. I just need to vent.

It's hard being so close to something you know you can never have. I want you to picture for me your favorite candy bar. It is within reach. You can hold it, smell it, and see it; yet you are told that you can never taste it. It will never be yours. It just sits in front of you, haunting your every thought. Yea well now you know how I feel with the men in my life. I am very proud of the fact that I have some super amazing men in my life, but it hurts. A lot. It is so hard to be so close to someone knowing that they will never be yours. You know there every move. You can communicate with them without any words. You know them better than anyone has ever known them. They trust you and vice versa. Yet you watch them walk away day after day knowing that they will one day meet their other half, get married, make gorgeous babies, and will forever be gone from your grasp. I have to face this with all of my guy friends. I have watched it time after time. I want them all to be happy, but after a while they move on with their new ladies while taking a part of my heart with them. One of these days, when God puts my perfect man in front of me, I will have nothing to offer, but a broken puzzle piece that I'm supposed to call a heart.

It's hard holding their hand, getting cozy while watching movies, or just getting those texts to greet you with a good morning. A girl can only give so much. And quite frankly I have nothing more to give. I ache with regret. I regret letting myself get so close. I regret putting myself out there and not being a crazy girl who needs a boyfriend 24/7. I sit here and listen to these sappy love songs and I just hope that the girls in these songs got the guy because if she didn't...she must be so broken.

Of course I also have to see a lesson out of this too. I think about how I am so close to this certain someone and yet cannot have them. Always knowing that they will probably never be mine. This is how God feels with some of us sometimes. He is so close to us and almost has us. With some of us, He can talk to us, see us, try and speak to us, but in the end we are choosing to not be His. We are choosing not to commit to Him for some reason. Any guy that I ever liked told me things like, they didn't date bigger girls, we were too good of friends, it just wasn't the right time. All this to get out of dating me. So what is our excuse? Why are we putting God in the friend zone, if you will? For me, I have to be honest. I have extreme trust issues. I am so afraid that He is going to abandon me like some of the other people from my past. My prayer tonight is that I will realize that He isn't going to leave me and I can have Him; all of Him. It is because of this realization that I don't have a relationship because He is the one man who should have a say in my life. To the men reading this; stay classy. I'm sure you are amazing and I pray that you stay that way always.
Thanks for letting me vent!
-J

Oh the places you'll go...

So since my parents have sold our house the packing has been their biggest task. My mom has been going through a lot of my stuff from back in the day. She has sent me a couple of writings from my 5th grade year in school. That was my biggest year of writing. That was the year I discovered my love for writing. Specifically creative writing. I read the poems she sent me and thought they were stupid at first. I had my friends read them and got some chuckles, but I couldn't help but read over them over and over again. Not to brag, but I was a creative child. It got me thinking about an interesting topic. I wondered what my kids would be like. A lot of my friends from high school and college are getting married and having kids and it gets me thinking. I look at my parents and see what I got from them. I got my mothering nature and love of helping others from my mother. I got my stubbornness and love for manly things from my dad. My mom taught me to cook and my dad taught me how to deal with issues in my car. I am a pretty good combination of both except for the fact that I am a replica of my mother in facial features. I have my dad to thank for my dark skin. There are certain things that I want to pas on to my kids and certain things I don't. I don't want my kids to get my stubbornness. I hope my kids get their height from their father...and I just hope I marry a tall guy in general! I hope they don't get my immune system or metabolism issues. One of the things I do pray that they get from me is their imagination and creativity. I used to write for fun just whatever I wanted and school gave me a hatred for writing due to essay after essay of topics I didn't choose. I want them to be spontaneous and I want them to look back on their life and feel like they made the most of it. I want them to paint with all the colors of the wind because Pocahontas is a princess to Native Americans everywhere! I want them to imagine life through the lives of others. I want them to dream and laugh. Trust me, I'm not one of those crazy women who is going around campus looking for the perfect male specimen to hook up with and start popping out little ones anytime soon. I am not addicted to babies. I just think about how much I want for my future offspring. I am creating this world that they will be coming into and I want it to be filled with only the best. Remember, it is never too late to live your childhood. Never lose your imagination and creation is never out of reach.

You Know What Happens When You Assume...

Sitting at my desk and I look up to read one of my Christian pick up line pictures. It has a very handsome gentleman on it and reads; "hey girl, you make me feel like Samson with hi hair cut off: weak in he knees." I can't help but laugh. Naturally as a girl I think about the opposite sex from time to time. As a social work major we talk about social behavior in most of my classes. Today my professor said something that rang in my ear. He talked about how as humans we have the need for some sort of intimacy. Now hold your horses, I know what you are probably thinking. Don't worry, I am not talking about the s-e-x lecture. His statement did get me thinking though. Especially more on the female end as well. So many girls give themselves over to the "dark side", if you will, because they have the need for love and attention. For some girls it is just the need to be close to someone emotionally, others just need to cuddle next to someone during a movie, the rest go to the more drastic end of that spectrum. I was thinking about it from my stand point though. I am one of those girls who is kind of needy. I am not afraid to admit it. Coming from the fact that I've never had a boyfriend, I don't have a stable relationship where I can get that sort of attention. Luckily, I have some of the best guy friends in the world. I am emotionally close to one of them and can depend on him to open up to me which meets the need of emotional intimacy. Another one of my guy friends doesn't mind the fact that I like to lean on him during a movie. All my needs are meant and I don't have to give in to the temptations of our world today. There is a bit of the problem with the last point though. Here at my school if you are seen close to the opposite sex than boom! you are automatically dating. I still haven't figured out the fact that it doesn't have to be this way. Just because I have close guy friends does not mean that I have feelings for them or plan on dating them. Tomorrow night I am going to a dance with one of my guy friends. I asked him to be my date. This does not mean that I am in love with him and I am already picking out my wedding dress. Just two people going to have a crazy fun night. It is a tad frustrating that people just assume that I am dating someone because I am close to them either physically or emotionally. As many guy fiends as I have if people assumed that I had a thing with all of them then I am pretty sure I would be considered some very colorful names. Now, confession, I assume the wrong things too sometimes. By no means am I perfect. Just last night I assumed that one of my new freshman guy friends was one of those guys that can't get passed a girls looks when it comes to dating. I was very wrong. Moral of this venting session: to the ladies- girls, please don't feel like you have to give up your body just to be close to a guy. If that is the only connection you can make with him, then maybe you should be looking in another direction. To my gentleman- it is okay to be close to the girls in your life. Just make sure you both know where the other stands so that you aren't leading each other on if other feelings were to be developed, but please, be close to them. Show them how they should be treated. To everyone- don't assume the worst because you know what happens when you assume...

-j

Camp Counselor Probz

My life consists of Chaco tan lines, wearing shorts over bathing suits, ponytails with bandannas, and screaming children. Do I care that my life is hectic? No. Why? Because I love my job. You see this summer I wanted a fun job. I wanted to job I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk all day killing myself. But I never foresaw the job as a camp counselor. I wake up at six in the morning and don't go to bed until around ten. I don't get much sleep and the pay isn't the greatest but one thing makes it worth it. My kids are my life. I was so unsure about a major in a field that was going to be working with a lot of kids, but now I am certain that kids are going to be my life. I've learned that it takes a brave soul to be the small screaming boxes of enthusiasm all day long. I know that it's hard explaining to a child why he's not playing fairly. I've realized what it's like to wipe away tears of joy and tears of sadness. I've had to play the bad cop in the good cop. I don't wear make up and my hair is always in the same ponytail. I swept through shirts like army uniforms in the desert. I've never been so uncomfortable my whole entire life. Seeing a child smile going down the water slide makes it all worth it. My parents really want me to get a better job that pays much more so that I can afford to live on my own, but here's the thing for me it doesn't matter about money anymore it matters whether a child is learning that they were saying by the grace of God. I've considered looking at other jobs next year, but I really don't think I could pass up another year at Spring Hill. I made so many amazing friends this summer. And luckily I get three more weeks with them. I can't imagine my life without them. I love my bosses. I hear so many people complaining about how awful their bosses are. Mine are crazy and fine I love getting involved with me, the other counselors, and the kids. I might be 20 years old but on Monday through Friday I am whenever the kids need me to be. On Wednesdays I'm a fairy princess, on Fridays I'm their best friend. On Monday I'm a new adventure for them. The little ones pull my hair, punch me, fight against me, but I love them more than anything in this world. Have I mentioned lately that I love my job? I've had to experience tan lines I never wanted, hair falling out left and right, acne, sweat in places I didn't know existed, but a love for God that I will never forget.

Once You Go Big, You Never Go Twig

Here's the thing. The longer I put off working out, the later I have to stay up, which means less sleep for me. The sad fact of the matter is that I know this yet I am sitting on Pinterest like it is my freaking job. Okay, another thing; I worked out already today. I drove into town just so I could walk the grand path of Franklin. I took my mace and everything! I'm pretty sure I even pulled something in my hip. Glory I sound old. Pulled something in my hip?!? Seriously!?! This is why I don't work out. I usually end up hurting myself while I workout so that I can't workout anymore. It is a vicious cycle. Anywho, so back to the whole me not working out thing. I have two different workouts I'm supposed to do tonight and then I can go to bed. I am fifty squats and three hundred abs away from a serious relationship with my pillow. Also, I am drinking this fat eliminator thingy. It's water, lemons, limes, cucumbers, and mint leaves. I feel like I'm slowly swallowing nature. Maybe I'll be a nice spry tree in the morning! Ya know, skinny people always say hat working out is so much fun and so easy. Um, yea it is when you have literally nothing weighing you down. I made a punny. Weighing you down...and it's weight. Get it? So, even though I have no motivation what so ever, I should probably get my curvy butt up and start working on my Victoria Secret 6-pack. To all you people out there who would love to workout, but have no motivation, look at it this way; time is going to pass no matter how you spend it so spend it fitting into that little black dress. Much love!

-j

Attention To Details

So...this week I have been home sick with pink eye. Freaking pink eye. Seriously? I thought pink eye was like something you got in middle school and got made fun of for and then it was over. Well, I guess karma paid me back for thinking that. Oh well. Being home with nothing to do has given me a lot free time and time to think. I've been making crafts for my dorm room. I don't ever craft. I'm not crafty. A craft, to me, used to be bead necklaces or painting my name on a piece of wood. Now a days I'm making roses out of fabric. I think I've officially lost it. Also, in my free time I have been listening to more music. I decided to pay a visit to my old friend Ke$ha and see what her new album had to offer. Has anyone noticed that 3 of her top new songs are Come On, Die Young, Crazy Kids. Does that freak anyone else out? Come on die young crazy kids. I feel as if that is not the right message to be sending out into the world. Am I the only one who notices things like this? There is definitely something wrong with that! I'm too young to die. I don't wanna die young, especially just because Ke$sha is telling me too. Anywho, I'm making today's post short and sweet. I need to go be more crafty or something. I hope you all are having a fantastic week. It is clear that I really need to get back to work and get back to spreading my weirdness to small children instead of you people on the Internet. Have a wacky Wednesday!

-j

Well I'm Back!

Sorry it has been so long. Kids can kinda keep a person busy. So let me catch you up on my life. I am now 20...it still feels like 19 though. I have even caught myself telling people I'm 19. It happens, oh well. I come home occasionally. I work all week long with Saturday off. I love my job even though some of these kids are the best birth control I have ever been around. These kids are great though. I've never loved my job so much. It blows me away the imagination they have and their curiosity is adorable. When you are a kid you don't realize what you are thinking or saying. Their emotions are heightened. They bump their knee and it is automatic tears. They see a ball and light up. Why does that have to end at a certain age. A lot of my kids think I am older than I actually am because I act so much like an uptight adult sometimes. I do that for their safety and so they obey the rules, but sometimes I listen to myself telling them what to do and I hate what I hear coming out of my mouth. "Don't do that and Stay over here." These young ones remind me of the freedom of a child, the crazy ideas, and the pure spirit we all once had. As children we lived each day without a care in the world. We had no bills, no stress; our biggest care in the world was what was for lunch and if we would be able to go over to a friends house. Now we think about paychecks and how we will be spending the rest of our lives working. I understand that as an adult we have responsibility and yes we have to care about our lives and balance our check books, but glory can we please just start getting back to the days where life didn't seem so desperate and lame. My challenge to all you aging people out there...take a moment to fly a kite or color. Let the inner child escape.